Christina Lynch

One writer's struggle to make sense of the universe, or laugh trying.

Diary of a Rural Writer

Do or Die

Posted by Christina Lynch on July 8, 2012 at 3:10 PM

    Having trouble losing that extra weight? Cleaning out the garage? Finishing that novel? Writing those holiday cards? Making time for exercise? Relax, because Will Power For Hire™ is here to provide an easy solution to all your procrastination problems. Our team of trained professionals will come to your home and remain at your side until you are fit, thin and everything on your to-do list is completed.

    It sounds too good to be true! It’s not. During the initial in-home consultation with our team, you will make a list of everything you’ve been putting off, plus your desired weight and jean size. Within days, in a surprise night-time visit, our Facilitators arrive at your home and remain for 24 hours a day, seven days a week, until your goals are met.

    I already tried a personal trainer and a life coach and it didn’t work. That’s where Will Power For Hire™ is different. Our team skips useless cheerleading and goes straight to what really works: physical intimidation.

    That sounds scary. Not as scary as being left out of the will when you forget to thank Aunt Agnes for that purple sweater! Not to mention the wrath you’ll feel from the IRS when you file for an extension on your extension. You know you’ll be fired if you don’t complete those employee reviews by the end of the month. And if you don’t regrout that bathroom soon, the value of your house will plummet! WPFH™ is by far the less scary proposition, when you consider the damage lack of self-control can do!

    Who will be holding me hostage? A crackdown on money laundering around the globe has left many highly-trained professional militia members and other socio-political-action types (we never use the “t” word) out of work. Every age, nationality and ethnic group is represented on our staff--we’re employing the world! All of our Facilitators are trained in mind control, light torture and the use of small arms and automatic weapons. Some have mastered blow darts as well. None of them speaks English, so don’t even try to beg for mercy. They have instructions not to release you until your tasks are completed and your weight-loss goals met.

    Will they actually hurt me? That depends. Will you finally read Remembrance of Things Past?

    Will there really be time to finish all my projects? Under our supervision, the hours you spend now surfing the net, talking or texting, pleasuring yourself, watching TV or just chillaxin’ will be repurposed to complete household chores, writing projects, compile photo albums, or learn a foreign language. You’ll be amazed at how much you can do in 24 hours when the alternative is excruciating physical pain!

    What sort of diet will I be on? No weird smoothies or placenta shakes to swallow! You will be fed high quality organic fruits and vegetables, nuts, and brown rice in a balanced vegan diet prepared in a coffee can over an open fire in your own living room. This is guilt-free eating at its best—you’ll boast to your friends about how you saved the planet from global warming, employed a former child soldier, and lost weight on our program! No cheating allowed—our Facilitators are trained to refuse bribes even from high-ranking party members and CIA agents, so don’t try to swap cash, sexual favors or movie rights for Haagen-Dasz.

     I don’t like to run. What sort of exercise will I be doing? While we’ve discovered over the years that 4-6 hours a day of almost any sustained physical activity brings about surprising weight loss and builds muscle tone in those who normally spend their lives sitting down, our dictator-designed signature program combines ditch digging to strengthen back and abs, bunker building for upper body strength, and forced marches for cardio. You’ll also be growing a lot of your own food. (Possible side effect: some of our former clients drop to their knees and tearfully thank any migrant farm workers they encounter.)

     I haven’t gone a day without wine since my first child was born. Can I drink on your plan? Our Facilitators generally use beatings/stonings to discourage alcohol consumption, so consider this a time to detox and cleanse. Got a real problem with booze, tobacco or drugs? Will Power For Hire™ is an inexpensive alternative to conventional rehab stays, hypnosis or psychotherapy. Our Facilitators will threaten to chop off your fingers if you reach for a cigarette or a Vicodin. And they mean it!

    My novel is six months overdue to the publisher. Will you actually kill me if I don’t finish it? That depends on the terms of the contract you sign with us. We’ve found that while with some people, the threat of physical violence is enough to make them put words on the page, other authors require having a loaded gun held to their heads in order to actually complete and deliver a manuscript. It’s up to you how much you want to win that Pulitzer Prize before your college roommate does!

    Will I have to drink my own urine? Not unless you want to. Clean tap water will be provided once the day’s major chores are finished, so if you’re feeling thirsty, clean out that closet!

    How long is the program? As long as it takes you to shape up and finish your to-do list. When you sign up for auto-renew, your Facilitator will continue to keep you prisoner until every chore is done, or you can be kidnapped for a pre-set amount of time, two-week minimum. We offer holiday specials, where you can be forced at gunpoint to finish your shopping and card-writing.

    How much does it cost? We work on a sliding scale, from a million dollars up.

    That’s expensive! Not really, when you calculate the benefits. Our clients include movie stars, Nobel Prize Winners, heads of state, and construction companies. Did you think Boston’s Big Dig just completed itself after forty years of delays?

    Will you kidnap my spouse or adult child? One of our most popular requests, and we do it all the time.

    What about brainwashing? I’ve spent 47 years sharing the same headspace with myself, and frankly, I’m ready for a change. We have the latest innovative brainwashing and personality-altering techniques—if you liked Manchurian Candidate you’ll love us! Using the latest CIA-approved, perfectly safe technology, we can make you more disciplined, use fewer parenthetical expressions, or less prone to cry after sex. And we can customize: one of our clients said, “Go ahead and pull my fingernails out—I’m not doing one more pushup.” So we did, and now she’s got a whole new look!

    What if I have ADHD? Will your program work for me? We can make you focus as you have never focused before! You will be off your meds in no time as you are forced to do one task for 20 hours straight or risk electric shock.

    Is this illegal? Thanks to recent loosening of gun control laws, everything we do is perfectly legal. We can even kidnap you and take you to a National Park at gunpoint, if you’ve been meaning to hike the Grand Canyon or climb Mt. Whitney but have been putting it off. Bring the kids and make it a mandatory family vacation!

    It sounds like the answer to my prayers. Is there a downside? None that we’ve found. We have an astounding 100% success rate.* And several of our clients have married their captors! If your yard is unmowed, your PhD thesis unwritten, or your attic overflowing, call us now. You provide the way, we provide the Will.™

*Success rate based on both the "do" and "die" clauses in our contract.

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